Scared to Fail

Why does it feel like I can’t get out of those initial scenes from "He’s Just Not That Into You…" I’ve heard that I’m awesome and great so many times. I appreciate all those words that my friends use to try and soothe my pain, but no matter how many times I hear them, they never ring true.

Possibilities are dropping like flies or I guess in this case, like tears.

I’ve rarely been this homesick or tense.

Worried, stressed, scared…

I know this is only my first week of my junior year of College. I’ve been here nearly seven days.

I want to go home. I miss home.

It’s such a bitch to walk to class. So close, yet so far. I think it has something to do with the hill first thing in the morning. I want my bike, but apparently, it’s broken, like my computer.

I’ve gone nearly two weeks without my computer and it’s a very frustrating experience.

I feel so fat, ugly, and alone. Doesn’t help.

My classes… My books were over $400!

I seriously feel like a porker.

It feels like my friends don’t want to see me, especially -------. I was really looking forward to seeing him. I did miss him. It bothers me, maybe more than it should.

My other friends here are also busy or drinking/partying so I feel so distant from them. It was easier being in dorms but I didn’t know it would be so much harder HERE.

I’m so frustrated. Nothing seems to be going like I want it to…

My hand hurts from writing so much. I’m not used to taking written notes.

I haven’t spoken to my parents much. Ah!

I need control again. I want something to look forward to… It would be nice to feel particularly valued… noticed…

I need to sleep but it seems so difficult like everything else.

I feel partially heart broken but maybe I could just feel dead period.

How can I lighten up? I need to soon.

I’m scared to fail.

My classes sound so hard and I’m me.

I know I can’t just give up but I feel like it’s easier than getting crushed again.

I don’t even know if I like journalism.

What if I’m not good enough?

What will I do?

How will I face myself? My parents?

I need energy and love… I don’t have them… or well at least on a limited basis here.

I want my mom and I want to cry.

What will I do?

Get kicked out?

I can’t…

But what am I supposed to do?

What am I made to do?

What do I love?

Will journalism make me happy?

Wouldn’t it be great if money didn’t matter?

I miss being a child. What I would give to go back… Never thought I would say it, or well, I doubted I’d feel so strongly about it.