Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
I was listening to this song on the way back from class today.
Someone, I don’t remember who, told me Michelle Branch’s songs had great lyrics. I used to feel embarrassed for liking certain pop/mainstream songs. I have so many friends who seem so particular about their music but I really just like what I like and I can’t explain why.
I heard Michelle Branch back in the day and I remember my old friend and neighbor Lauren had the CD. It’s a really minor fact, but I remember her telling me and showing me and feeling envious.
I’m one of those people who really prefer not to listen to female singers, or at least I thought I did. I blame this on school “talent” / variety shows. The girls would go up there to the stage, start to sing some popular song of the time and I’d immediately want to bang my head against a wall.
I love Alanis Morissette. I went through a “Jagged Little Pill” phase (I think it was around my freshman year of high school?). My mom despises her music but my mom also confuses her with Avril Lavigne.
Edgy female singers really appeal to me. I guess it’s one of those things (I can’t think of the word/term) where when you see someone like you doing something, it feels like you could too. I don’t know if that makes since. I guess I’m trying to say I admire strong women.
It’s lovely outside.
I wish my room had more than one window.
What will it be like working under Trent this summer?
Over spring break, when I took some sub shifts, we’d be in the office at the same time and it didn’t seem like he could look me in the eye.
I feel like I made a mistake asking him out, but I also don’t regret it. I still want to know why he never gave me an answer. I may be making mountains out of mole hills like I always do, but when you think about it, it’s odd.
If he said yes, no harm no foul.
If he said no, we still could have been friends and he doesn’t seem like the type of person who would protect my feelings. From what I’ve observed he seems like an open, honest person and a little girl like me shouldn’t be his exception.
I need to control my impatience. I should have accepted the idea, if he wanted to ask me out, he would have in his own time. If only I was the kind of girl that could do that. I can’t seem to be submissive to fate.
In women’s studies today (we didn’t have that quiz by the way), we spoke about gender roles in the house. It was all in this greater picture of capitalism interacting with the market, the family, and the economy.
When/If I get married, I want to take care of my husband, but I also want to be equals. I don’t want my partner to automatically assume I’ll do the housework. I want us to share and I’m scared at how we’ll tackle this issue when it comes up.
I guess I’d like someone like Ben Afleck’s character in “He’s Just Not that into You.” His character seemed to really respect his partner and share in the everyday responsibilities.
I need to figure out how I was so high last week. So much happened and it went so fast. I had fun and I felt that the people around me enjoyed my presence. I’m not saying they don’t know, but the high enabled me to participate more freely. I’m recoiling into my old, observant state.
That high let me experience what it was like to have no cares. I just did whatever I wanted at the time or went with the flow, not worrying about the before or after. It was amazing.
The thing about going back to how I used to be is I was miserable. I just simply want to enjoy life.
I’m going to my first SOS meeting tonight. The strange thing is I read in The Post that the time and place for the meetings is entirely different from the information I received at the information session. It’s nice outside so I won’t mind the walk to Baker, but it’s still feels like a waste of time and a little confusing. I shouldn’t let myself get stressed about it and just let it go. Breathe.
I came back from a short walk with Vivi and started looking through some of the magazines mom’s sent me. Those things sure pile up over time. I don’t want to throw them away because they may have something awesome in them, but they are also out of date. This is why I’m a pack rat.
I was browsing through People and I noticed that it made my head hurt more than when I started. I thought I wanted something that didn’t involve too much brainpower, but as I flipped through the pages it all seemed so stupid. I felt like I was searching through the trash. I really don’t care about celebrities. I enjoy the pictures on occasion and it’s nice to know what’s going on in that sphere of society occasionally, I stress occasionally. Maybe it’s being a journalism major, but those articles felt cheap. It’s cheap, sensational journalism. I don’t think I could work writing that crap. I don’t understand why people like my mom care about these silly people and their habits.
I did get through all three or four of the issues I had lying around, but it certainly was torturous. I just can’t seem to let myself throw them away without breezing through them first. It feels like such a waste otherwise. Think of those trees. Poor trees.
I wonder if the new episode of “Lost” is on the ABC website yet. Brad, Rusty, Brad’s roomie, and I watched it last night (& South Park).
The whole show is absurd, but I can’t help looking forward to watching it every week. It’s in my routine. Wednesday rolls around and it looms there, “Lost, 9:00 PM, get pumped!”
It’s similar to Monday nights with “The Big Bang Theory”, “How I Met Your Mother” and “Two and a Half Men.”
Tuesday at 10:30PM, TBS has “My Boys”, but it really doesn’t take up a big enough chunk of time to capture my enthusiasm. A half hour sitcom by itself hardly seems worth waiting to see on TV in all it’s glory, that’s what the internet is for these days.
I feel like I need a nap. My head really hurts. I’ve felt this mild pain all day. It’s really irritating.
I need to listen to my voicemails. I have 8 of them collecting from lord knows when. At least one is from my mother and two from my grandmother.
JM was online earlier and we were chatting. I couldn’t help but sit here, not this exact spot but close, and think how self centered some people can be. Do they do it on purpose? This conversation felt like one of those where a person asks you how you are but you know they don’t really care about your answer. It all felt like protocol or obligation. It shouldn’t feel that way with someone you care about.
So… I’m going to go with, “Amy needs to stop caring for the wrong people,” for 500!
7:30 PM >>>
I was laying out in the middle lobby on that deadly comfortable blue couch a few minutes ago when 137.5 came by. I know that deep down I knew he’d walk by there, and that would force him to talk to me.
I shouldn’t want to talk to him. I shouldn’t want to see him. I should probably punch him in the face, but I can’t seem to muster up that emotion to expel itself when he’s around.
That last sentence was a wee’ bit confusing.
He turned towards me with a smirk and said, “Hi.”
At that moment, flem got caught in my throat. I gave a weak, “hi,” and returned to reading my book (Jitterbug Perfume). This was all without thinking, but after he past I realized I did something right!
I unintentionally gave him a cold gesture! The girls would be proud.
I knew he would be coming back and like the stupid girl I am, I waited for the sound of his walk.
I’m observant people! So, yes, I notice how people walk. I could spot Rachel’s walk a mile away.
He came back and surprisingly, without visible hesitation walk up to me and sat on the couch.
This would have been a good time to act cool, but I gave him my full attention. He makes my head fuzzy. He told me he’s been busy (but he’s half way through Dry). He asked if we could do something this weekend. I said sure, but once again, I’m going to try to not get my hopes up.
He was calm, which was good, but I still felt like he wasn’t listening to me. I don’t speak much around him; so, maybe he doesn’t expect me to? He doesn’t deserve excuses at this point.
He didn’t accept my facebook friend request. Really? Honestly?
I’m ashamed I even asked. Dick.
That encounter sucked out my desire to paint.
The SOS meeting went well. I’m still a little confused about the organization, but I’m going to try my best to dive in full force.
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