Heartbreak Kid

That’s me.

I feel like crying… And if I wasn’t already, I know I would any moment…

I think I fell in... I confronted it and once again, I’m left all alone… crying with a box of tissues on the couch.

Text message conversation…

<> 12:05am – Hey. I ordered a sweater at your Newport show. You think you could cancel that for me?

< #3 > 12:07am – Ouch… why so?

<> 12:09am – I need to get over you

< #3 > 12:12am – I don’t understand

<> 12:17am - I need to get over you & having things around reminding me of you isn’t going to make it easier

< #3 > 12:18am – So we’re not allowed to be friends

<> 12:19am – the only time I ever see you is when I pay to

< #3 > 12:19am – I was hoping we could hang out this week

<> 12:24am – this is just hard for me. I know it sounds ridiculous. It’s not your fault. I’ve just been waiting so long for a chance & it’s hard dealing with the fact it isn’t going to happen.

< #3 > 12:25am – I could tell you were a little different tonight

<> 12:26am – I’ve been mad at you, you blew me off again a week ago

< #3 > 12:26am – I disappear from everyone its just a habit of mine

<> 12:28am – I know, I know but remember after the third time you did it to me you promised not to do it again? Does it ever make you feel good to be blown off? Especially by someone you’re really looking forward to seeing?

< #3 > 12:30am – No it doesn’t but I know that I regret it. You were a great friend and I always relished our time. I hope things can be good but I understand if not.

<> 12:32am – once again. This isn’t your fault. Over this year I just got my hopes up… should have realized you would never feel the same way. It just really hurts.

<> 12:39am – you knew how I felt about you this whole time, I don’t know if you enjoyed it, stringing me aong… but josh, telling you how much I care about you is hard and knowing you’re never going to give me a chance, after all this time, you can see why I’m angry. That you’d rather hang with these trashy chicks than me… this is what they call heart break kid.

<> 12:57am – Sorry.

Saying all these things was probably very dumb on a few levels but I definitely feel relieved. I didn’t get everything off my chest, but this was enough to at least lift a tiny weight.

I have his hat and I’m contemplating burning it.

Now, things will go back to more or less the same.

I’ll have a few more dollars in my pocket… And after a while, hopefully not too long, I’ll be back to sour, apathetic me.

Friends tell you that you’re beautiful, smart… amazing… but if you really are all these things, why are you alone? Why am I alone? Why can’t I find someone who will treat me well and love me?

It’s over. It’s over. IT’S OVER!

If a guy wants to be with me, he’ll make it happen. Eventually I’ll find someone who will love me and treat me like I’ve always dreamed. So for now, I’m going to be selfish and embrace the fact that I’m a screw up… a lonely, fucked up… great person.

It sounds horrible, but when I’m in moods like these I really feel like hurting myself. I’m not talking slitting my wrists or driving off a cliff, but cause some sort of pain to distract myself from what I’m really thinking. I bet everyone thinks this way at some time or another, but it comes over me so often. When I was in high school, before I was on medication, I would put my trust in drugs to get me away… exercise, sleeping, not eating…

I was thinking about a good mate for myself… hopefully this won’t make me cry even more…

I want someone taller than me.

Someone I can jump on… sit with and not say anything, in a comfortable silence… Someone I can curl up with late at night and he will be happy just laying with me… A guy who will surprise me and show me how much he cares about me…

Looking for white, Caucasian male, age between 21-25, preferably with some college, laid back, healthy

I don’t know why this is tearing me apart. I probably will never hear from this person again… someone I really did care about and thought I could spend my life getting to know better…

I need to wait… and that special someone will come to me. Time will tell. I’m so sorry and depressed.

I got so much off my chest, but maybe now I can open up for someone who will really want to be with me. Who will love me for who I am and who I will be… all of me…

If I’ve been lucky enough to get over #1 (Penis Head), #2 (Green Eggs & Ham), Larry (He Who Must Not Be Named), and 137.5, I should be strong enough to, now, get over #3.

I cried over these guys more than I’ve cried for anyone.

The numbers… can be considered my asshole count down.

I had a dream about Mason the other night.

My life will go on without a guy in it.

Stoner was over the other night and we watched “Pride and Prejudice.” It helps me believe that there must be some nice guy out there, waiting for me.

I’m happy that I’ve been able to maintain a friendship with so many people over time and distance.

I wish I was twenty-one. It would be so much easier to spend time with a good portion of my friends if I could get into the bars.

Oddly, my TWENTY-FIRST birthday is on the TWENTY-FRIST of December. Makes it easier to remember, right?

Lately, I’ve really wanted to drive as fast as I can, maybe even go off-roading, and scream as load as I can. Live wild.

I went swimming in the leisure pool part of the South pool when I started to remember how much I loved the water. How big the pool felt… how creative I was… how alive… It had been so long since I had just swam for fun and REALLY enjoyed it. The temperature was perfect, the water was clear… so clear I opened my eyes like I had before I discovered goggles. If only I could live in that water… using my legs like a tail…

I guess swimming in a pool is just like running around a track. Soon you’ll get bored once you’ve seen everything over and over again. I’d love to scuba… see different plants and animals… A change of scenery…

I’d love to have my wedding near the water. Definitely, outdoors. Maybe on a hill, in the fall, like in “Runaway Bride.”

I’m also pitching ideas for children’s names:

Jace or Scott - middle: Paul, or Jack

Evelyn or Jane, Eliza - middle: Elizabeth, Margaret, Patricia, or Jacqueline

“I don’t know what a holler back girl is, but I want to kill it…”

I know it’s sad, but I need to admit, I’m watching “Bring It On: All or Nothing,” and it’s pretty horrible. I feel bad for all those poor actors and actresses who are in this sad, sad movie. They keep making fun of white people… do other ethnicities really act like this?

I’m trying to avoid my cell phone.

I told my parents when I’m planning on going back to school. Dad’s never seems happy to see me go, but he’s definitely guilt tripping me a little.

I’ve been watching and getting really into Heroes lately. I’ve been thinking, if I had a choice, what power would I choose? What would you choose?

Tonight I saw a movie with Mitch… earlier today I began to wonder, what had him become my friend? I don’t remember there being a middle period… I just remember meeting him, Nick, Thomas, Ryan… and it was like we were just friends. It was like you and Molly showed me your world and I was just sucked in… Why was it so easy?

Do you think there is such thing as female enhancement? Or well… female sexual performance enhancers? You never see advertisements for that. But surprisingly I have seen an advertisement for flavored douches.